


As I Am

by flourry



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Is A Bit of An Asshole, Eventual Smut, F/M, Nick Fury Likes To Instigate Drama, The X-Men/Avengers Mash-Up No One Asked For, Tony Stark As A Whiny Baby/Partner In Crime, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-07 21:43:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17373809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flourry/pseuds/flourry
Summary: Bucky Barnes is finally free from HYDRA but is now left with the side-effects of decades of mind conditioning and a lot of repression. Cue Mary Garcia, the mutant and giant annoyance who just so happens to be the only person who can help him. If only she'd stop trying to pinch his ass.





	1. mind consent and other things

"So... there I was... cornered by a dangerous enemy..."

"Enemy? It was one guy with a taser-we're not even really sure he was fully HYDRA."

"Shut up, Tony. Mamma's speakin'."

Tony Stark crossed his arms over his chest, pouting childishly at the reprimand. While Jane was head, shoulders, knees and toes deep in whatever complicated astrology project was currently taking up her time, Darcy was balanced precariously on the edge of a stool, listening intently to the story that had been retold countless times by S.H.I.E.L.D.'s 'resident asshole' (as named by Nick Fury himself).

Mary leaned forward in her rolling chair, dragging her eyes from person to person dramatically. Tony was still pouting, Darcy looked intrigued, Jane was pretending she didn't exist. 

"Anyway... the enemy advanced on me. I was merely a baby Avenger at the time, not yet schooled in the art of Avenging. I had to rely on the only thing I'd known how to do my entire life..."

"Be a bitch." Tony deadpanned. 

"No, princess," Mary waved his comment off. "I had to go for the balls."

"The balls!" Darcy called out gleefully. "Hear that, Jane?" The pretty scientist gave a halfhearted thumbs up in their general direction.

"I threw myself to the ground!" Mary cried out. "While he was distracted by my flailing, I reached up and cupped his two danglers."

Tony had begun to look nauseous. Darcy's eyes were practically glimmering with delight.

"Then..." she paused for effect. "I twisted hard and yanked down!" 

"That's the worst part," Tony whined, his face queasy.

"While he was screaming like a little bitch, completely incapacitated and without his manhood, I managed to sneak away to safety!"

"Hurrah!" Darcy clapped her hands energetically.

"So that's how I escaped the HYDRA reveal." Mary leaned back into her chair with a flourish. Fury had banned her from having a rolling one because she kept trying to run over his toes every time he entered Jane's lab for a check-up on whatever assignment he'd given her. Really, it was a miracle she hadn't been fired yet. He loved her really.

In reality, the showdown between her and the handful of HYDRA agents she'd encountered on her escape from the Triskelion had gone much,  _much_ differently. She had been classed as a potential asset for the Nazi fan club, so a good percentage of the moles that weren't trying to take out Captain America were trying to restrain her, throw her into transport and ship her back to one of their bad shit warehouses. Most of them had been management or archivists, so they'd had no idea what they were up against. She'd wiped the floor with them. But she liked telling the testicle-grab story, even if it was just to see the look on Tony's face as she went into vivid description of what it felt like to try and separate a man's scrotum from his body. The STRIKE teams (or what was left of them) hadn't liked her eager narration when they'd heard it in post-mission drink sessions either.

Darcy, however, practically glowed every time she heard it. "That never gets old," she sighed.

Just as Mary was about to go into that one time she walked in on Tony buck-ass naked and black-out drunk in her living room, the doors to Jane's lab slid open with a  _hiss_. It was Captain America, Deliverer of Justice and Owner of the Best Ass in S.H.I.E.L.D. who stepped in, looking everything like the chipper angel that he was. Mary would've climbed him like a tree if Darcy wasn't already hanging from the branches.

"Doll!" the blond man cheered, opening his arms wide. Darcy launched herself at him as expected, wrapping her legs around his hips and curling around him like a vice. It could've been a cute, harmless scene to watch if they hadn't started trying to swallow each other's tonsils. Mary reeled back in disgust.

"I'm really gonna vomit," Tony said weakly. "I can feel it in my throat. It's chunky-I think it's chunky."

"Sorry," Steve gasped, surfacing to take in air. "I came in here for something important, I swear!"

"So I'm not important?" Darcy pouted.

Steve looked every inch the concerned, doting boyfriend. "Of course you are, doll. More than anything."

"Steve." Mary clapped her hands together to get his attention. "What is it?"

Cap smiled sheepishly. "Oh, yeah. Uh, Fury wants to see you in his office."

Mary groaned, slumping down in her seat. Usually, being called into Fury's dwellings meant that she was gonna get a verbal ass-kicking and possibly, if he was having a good day, a minor threat on her life. She couldn't remember doing anything bad  _yet_. Tony had had a self-proclaimed 'sex-weekend' with Pepper to make up for whatever argument they'd had the week prior, so they hadn't had time to set out a plan for the trouble they usually caused. Fury was going to have a big post-Uprising conference with important world leaders on Wednesday morning and Mary had already been thinking about implanting a massive whoopee cushion in his assigned seat, but she hadn't run it by Tony yet. He was the only one with the smarts (and cash) to get them into the conference room early enough and inconspicuously enough so that they could leave the cushion, attach a camera and microphone for giggle purposes later, and then dash away into the shadows without being caught.

* * *

 

The long glass corridors to Fury's office were bustling with panicking interns holding coffees for their middle management bosses. Mary remembered when she'd been like that-young and doing anything for the approval of her seniors. She would've wiped Charles Xavier's lily white ass herself if it meant that she'd feel like he liked her. The memory of the Professor brought a smile to her face. It quickly died out when she arrived at Fury's door. It was glass, so she could see him sitting at his wide desk, fingers steepled in front of him. Typical Fury power position.

Mary shouldered the door open and collapsed into one of the fancy chairs situated in front of the desk. It creaked under her weight.

"So," she began, sitting her elbows on the arm rests. "What's up?"

"Garcia," he huffed out, as grouchy as ever. His one eye was scowling deeply into her soul. "How was the Ukraine mission?"

The Ukraine mission had just consisted of Mary, Clint and Natasha doing recon on an old HYDRA base that had been discovered after the big worldwide information leak. Like always, the compound had been wiped clean of everything from DNA to dust, the computer hard-drives had been destroyed and it had been worryingly empty. Mary didn't even sense a fly the whole time they were there. HYDRA couldn't run but they sure could hide.

"It was shit," Mary answered with a shrug. "We didn't find anything, Clint somehow cut his finger on a computer mouse and the flight back was weirdly bumpy. Wherever HYDRA are, I don't think it'll be anywhere that the  _whole fucking world_ now knows about."

This was an argument that had been constantly rehashed in the months since the Uprising. The Cap, Natasha, Barton and Mary had been adamant that no matter how much surveillance and raids they did on known HYDRA safehouses and bases, the Nazis simply wouldn't be there. It was common sense not to hide out some place that had already been found. Fury, however, had continued sending them on pointless, irritatingly boring missions that had yielded no results thus far. At this point Mary suspected it was just so he could get rid of her. Without Mary, things around the new headquarters tended to run a whole lot smoother.

Fury gave her a one-eyed look that roughly translated to  _I don't wanna hear it_. 

"Why am I  _really_ here?" Mary questioned. Fury rarely held one-to-one meetings about missions because if he was going to yell about misconduct (usually, it was Stark and Mary ignoring orders), he preferred to do so in front of the whole team. He had a thing about public embarrassment and letting everyone know he was disappointed.

"We've acquired the Asset," Fury revealed, leaning forward ominously. 

"The Asset?" Mary raised an eyebrow.

"You may know him as The Winter Soldier. Or, due to more recent revelations, James Barnes."

 _Ooooooh_. Mary roughly remembered hearing the name. She hadn't been part of the face-off with HYDRA after Fury had almost been assassinated, so she'd missed basically all the drama-like Steve finding out that his dead best friend had actually been a HYDRA plaything for the past ninety years. Though if it hadn't been for his actions during the collapse of the Triskelion and Project Insight, Steve would probably be resting up in the clouds with Elvis. She knew at least that much. The rest she didn't care for. 

"What has that gotta do with me?" she asked. 

"I need your talents." Fury replied. "He's been under HYDRA's control for decades and they did what they had to to make sure that it remained that way. He's got a lot of problems, most of them being because of deep conditioning and constant refreezing."

"Refreezing?" the mutant arched an eyebrow. "Like, we talking they stuck him in an actual freezer? Is that even humane?"

"It's HYDRA," Fury said, as way of explaining. She hummed in assent. "I want you to root around his brain and fix him."

"Will he even let me?"

Mary was a very big fan of mind consent. She'd hated when other telepaths had slunk around her conscious, flicking through parts of her and leaving a sour taste in her mouth; like acid. Professor X had had to do it after one particularly atrocious childhood moment, when she'd manage to down a whole dorm of twelve year olds because of a nightmare, and then Jean Grey had done her share during her whole Phoenix rampage. Mary would never forget that sensation of being torn in two, left broken and tattered because someone had dug their claws deep into her mental being and cut out her soul. It had taken years of rehabilitation for her to even be able to use her abilities without reducing into a blabbering, crying mess.

"I guess you'll have to ask him yourself." Fury smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm gonna just gonna spiral out after CA: Winter Soldier cuz I'm too lazy to go into Civil War and any of the Avengers movies after the first one. I'll make it fun tho
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	2. one night stands and a pretty assassin

Mary burst into Helen Cho's lab with a cry of "Cho, my sweet!"

The genius geneticist in question looked up from her computer screen, fingers poised delicately above the keyboard. Once she realized that it was Mary who was calling her name, her lips stretched into a warm smile. Mary had always liked Cho. She was the only doctor that she'd ever encountered--most of these encounters being unwilling on her part--who hadn't wanted to strap her down on a metal table and dissect her. While Helen worked with genes and knew how much Mary's DNA could possibly contribute to medical advancements, she had never been stupid enough to try it. Mary thought the world of her but if Helen ever came at her with a scalpel she'd break her spine over her knee like a damn twig.

"Mary," Helen said. "What can I help you with?"

"I'm here on Fury's orders." Mary replied. "He wants me to check out the big bad wolf you've got locked up."

Initially, Mary had been surprised when Fury had told her to head down to Medical instead of the brand spanking new dungeons installed beneath the facility. Then again, that was probably the work of the great and holy Captain America. Steve was a sickeningly caring person and would've probably ripped Fury a new one if he'd learned that his recently thought dead, now recently discovered alive best friend was being held underneath with all the scum STRIKE would bring in. Part of her was glad she hadn't been forced to go down there, anyway. One of the guards on duty was Ramirez, who she'd had a terrible first date at Olive Garden with. His ex-wife had walked in and yelled at her for being a home-wrecking whore in front of thirty other customers and an entire waiting staff. After that, Mary had sworn off dating people registered in the S.H.I.E.L.D. database. 

"He's not being very cooperative," Helen told her, flipping through a clipboard beside her. "One of the nurses tried to check his blood pressure but said that he'd given her a 'murder look'. I don't even know what that means."

"That's cute," Mary said. "Where's he being held?"

Helen sighed, reaching up to rub at her temples with long, dainty fingers. "Room three. We couldn't put him anywhere else."

Room three was basically a cage with a hospital bed in it. It was reserved for prisoners that were brought in too injured to be interrogated or transported, so S.H.I.E.L.D. did the uncanny favor of fixing them up before breaking them down again in the dungeons. Mary guessed that had been Fury's compromise--he wasn't foolish enough to let Barnes roam free around the building.

"Guess that's where I'm headed," the mutant grinned. "You coming to the girl's night this Friday? Natasha says she's gonna bring that special Russian vodka of hers."

Helen groaned, sinking further down into her seat. "Last time I drank that I woke up in her bed with no clothes on and the hangover of a decade. I like to remember when I have sex, Mary."

"Especially when it's with someone you have a crush on?" Mary teased, knowing that the reserved geneticist had had a thing for Natasha since they'd first met. You didn't have to be able to read minds to see the hearts in Helen's eyes whenever she looked in Natasha's general direction.

"Yes," Helen admitted, her face turning a peculiar shade of red. "I definitely enjoyed it, though. I couldn't walk properly for two days after."

* * *

 

Room three was situated right at the far end of the facility's medical wing. It had a door that could only be opened with a full hand print and two guards standing outside of it, armed to the teeth. Mary was glad to see they had familiar faces, though she couldn't remember their names. They both nodded at her as she stepped up and placed a hand on the scanner. The light above the door frame turned from red to green and the heavy airlocks whistled as they opened. She entered room three carefully, both hands up in the universal sign of surrender. Out of respect for Steve, she didn't want to have to resort to putting Barnes down unless he did something particularly stupid. Like swing at her out of nowhere.

"Hey," she called out gently. "I'm not here to hurt you or take your blood pressure. Just to ask you some questions. Some nice, easy questions."

The door swung closed behind her. The lighting in the room was dimmed but she could still clearly see Barnes sat straight on the edge of the bed. He was looking right at her.

Barnes was  _pretty_. It was a strange description for a grown man but it was the only one that seemed to come to mind. He was built, his muscles defined and straining against the white shirt he was wearing. His jawline was partially hidden by a scruffy beard and long, straggly hair that hung down past his ears but it was so sharp it could've probably still cut her. The infamous metal arm was there, folded across his chest. It caught the light every time he inhaled and gleamed. Mary hadn't been expecting him to be so attractive, but Steve Rogers did look like God's gift to women. It would only be appropriate if his best friend was equally gifted in the looks and body department.

She got what the nurse had meant by 'murder look'. Barnes had eyes that were a shockingly icy blue, and they were glaring into her with a dark intensity that put a raging Nick Fury to shame. They were menacing, promising a world of hurt if she pushed him to his limit. She was tempted to brush up against his mind and find out just what that limit was, but there was no telling what she'd accidentally stumble upon and she wanted to do this properly. He would never let her help him if he knew that she'd skimmed through his thoughts without his permission, especially after all that he'd been through. If there was one thing the man deserved after the treatment he'd suffered under HYDRA, it was his dignity.

"My name's Mary," Mary gestured to herself. "I work closely with Steve Rogers. What's your name?"

She piqued his interest at the mentioning of Steve. His head had tilted a bit to the side, an almost imperceptible movement that reminded her of a puppy dog. She would've called it cute if he wasn't still looking at her like he wanted to rip her limb from limb. After a few moments of relatively awkward silence, it had become obvious that Barnes wasn't interested in answering her question. Or probably even talking to her at all. That was fine with her. She'd just have to do all the talking for him.

"Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are? Really, like your eyes are the bluest I've ever seen. Maybe even prettier than Steve's. Don't tell him I said that, though. He'd probably blush so hard he'd set himself on fire. Isn't he just the cutest?"

The scowl on Barnes face deepened even further. The metal arm whirred gently as his silver hand clenched into a fist, almost in warning. Mary ignored it. 

"He has a girlfriend now. I don't know if he's mentioned her to you but honestly she is  _so_ pretty. With big tiddies. Big massive ole' tiddies. And incredibly smart. She works with Jane Foster in the labs developing portal tech and other shit for Fury. You probably don't like Fury, eh? Neither do most of-"

"Shut. Up."

The words were hissed so quietly that she would've missed them if she hadn't been prepared for the inevitable moment when he'd finally snap. The hard lines of his body were tense, ready to launch. She'd gotten under his skin already and all she'd done was ramble.

Pleased, Mary crossed her arms over her chest and cocked out a hip. "You gonna talk to me, then? If not, I'm just gonna keep going on and on and on."

Bucky's scowl deepened, if that was even possible. He looked outright miserable and every inch the deadly assassin that Fury had described. 

"James," he sneered eventually.

Mary smiled victoriously. Finally, an inch of progress. "James, then. Do you know why I'm here?"

A nerve in his jaw bulged outwards as he clenched it. "No," he spoke through his teeth.

"I'm a mutant," she revealed. "My talents are mostly related to the mind. I was told that you're having problems with triggers and such? The results of HYDRA conditioning? If you let me, I can help you, James."

"I don't want your help," the words could've been acid thrown in her direction, they were that scathing. 

Mary took the hint. She wasn't going to force the issue, instinctively knowing that if she pushed him any further, he would push back. 

"I'll be back tomorrow, then," she promised. "Think about it?"

"Get.  _Out_."

* * *

 

"You met  _who_?!" 

Mary was over at Tony's sprawling penthouse for their usual after-work gossip session. If Pepper was in, he would be drinking a cup of tea, but she was in Chicago attending a series of conferences about the Stark company's stance on global warming and their climate change policy. Therefore Tony was very gently nursing a glass of extremely smooth bourbon. Mary was sipping at her usual three fingers of MaCallan whiskey (no ice, please), which she only ever drank at Tony's because he was the only one out of the both of them who could afford it.

"The Winter Soldier," Mary repeated to an incredulous Tony. "You know, that assassin that almost killed Fury but then turned out to be Steve's dead best friend?"

"I know who he is!" Tony shrieked. "By yourself?"

"Yup," Mary confirmed proudly. "No back up. Well, if you don't count the two guards outside. But the door was closed so I'm not gonna."

"Are you  _insane_?"

"He wasn't that bad actually," Mary said. "Fury said I have to use my mojo on him to undo all the shit HYDRA did to his brain. He's probably majorly fucked up if he isn't just handing him over to one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. shrinks."

"They're assholes," Tony frowned. He'd had to suffer through mandatory sessions with Dr. Manderly, the head of Psych, after the whole Chituari showdown in New York. "I just don't understand why he wouldn't send someone in with you. Like Rogers."

"I love Steve, but he's overbearing and Fury knows that. I'll make more progress with him one-on-one than I would with someone there, watching our every move. Besides, you know I could easily subdue him if he tried some stupid shit."

Tony glowered down at his glass. "That doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Aw," Mary leaned over Tony's marble island to rest a hand on his arm. "You know you don't have to worry about me, cupcake. How about I tell you about this great idea I have to piss off Fury during the Uprising meeting on Wednesday?"

Tony's face lit up like Christmas morning.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is update 2/2 for today, but there'll be more coming tomorrow
> 
> can you tell i'm a fan of weird matches? i can totally see natasha flirting with helen after she saved clint's life  
> leave ya girl some kudos and love  
> thanks for reading !


	3. nick fury loves dramatic exits

Fury cornered Mary the next morning, stepping out from behind a file cabinet with his trench coat billowing behind him like some kind of Bond villain. Mary eyed him warily as he blocked her from descending the corridor down to Medical. She'd known that he'd eventually make an appearance to find out how his 'Fix It: Barnes' project was going along but she didn't think it would be so soon. Obviously, this particular project had Fury very eager, which in turn made Mary very curious. What was Fury's endgame in all of this? He wouldn't just have her heal Barnes out of the goodness of his heart (like he had goodness in there anyway)--the man was a war criminal who'd apparently been involved in dozens of assassinations of diplomats and the such. If it was anyone else, Fury would've thrown them into a cell and swallowed the key. It wasn't just Steve's influence. No, Fury  _wanted_ something. She twitched with the urge to just snatch it right out of his head, but the man had always been smart (and there was the whole mind consent spiel--Fury would _definitely_ say no). He'd have a wall in place for a mental attack; the most she'd get would probably be the memory of what he'd had for breakfast. Which was most likely the hearts of orphans or something.

"Garcia," he greeted her as usual. "How is your assignment coming along?"

"You know it's been a day, right?" Mary scoffed.

Fury's single eye narrowed down into an evil, murderous slit. "I was expecting progress, Garcia."

"We all want things we can't have, Fury," Mary mocked, enjoying the look of restrained rage on Fury's face. He really got riled up over next to nothing these days. "But," she continued, "I think I might get somewhere today. I wound him down pretty quick yesterday just by talking about how cute Darcy is."

Fury wasn't convinced. "Don't disappoint me," he warned ominously.

"Why do you want Barnes fixed so bad anyway?" Mary asked, voicing her thoughts.

Fury's reply was to twirl around so fast that the end of his trench coat brushed the tip of her nose, and then begin a hurried march towards the elevator.

"That's for me to know and for you to shut the fuck up about," was his not-so-cryptic reply as the doors slid shut in front of him. 

"Drama-queen," Mary muttered under her breath. His trench coat smelled like old man balls.

* * *

Barnes was awake when Mary sauntered into room three, wishing that she'd brought up a packet of M&M's with her or some shit. Maybe if she offered him candy for letting her into his fucked up mind, he'd finally agree and she could go back to sitting on a Quinjet waxing Clint's chest and talking shit about Fury as they flew towards some HYDRA base in, like, Croatia. Clint had a super weird complex about being as smooth as possible during a mission--Natasha had hinted that it was because of something that had happened the last time they'd went to Budapest but the haunted look in Clint's eyes had quickly shut her up.

"Morning!" Mary sang with a grin. Barnes' responding look of absolute outrage told Mary two things: he hadn't been expecting her to return, and that today was going to be difficult. Perhaps even more so than the day before.

The morning sunlight that shone through Barnes' single window revealed more to Mary than what she'd noticed yesterday. First of all, Barnes was  _tired_. Extremely so, by the looks of the purple bags hanging under his eyes. The sunbeams cast across his skin made him look sallow and sickly. If it was true that HYDRA had reconditioned him and forced him to kill all those people against his will, then it was only natural that one of the side effects of that trauma would be lack of sleep. Or nightmares. Mary had spent the better end of her younger years with Wade Wilson, and he'd survived on barely two hours of sleep a night because he couldn't fathom the atrocities the Weapon X program had made him commit. Uncle Wade (as she lovingly referred to him during their monthly phone calls) was an asshole, but underneath all the scars was someone who carried a shitload of pain.

Maybe if she got anywhere with Barnes, Fury would consider letting Wilson into the facility so that he could talk to someone who actually understood what he was going through. Though the last time Wade had been allowed to step foot near S.H.I.E.L.D. property, he'd left with millions of dollars worth of weapon prototypes. Having to explain why that had happened to the old board of directors had not been her finest moment.

Mary lowered herself down to floor, crossing her legs together and leaning back against the cold, solid steel of the door. There were no chairs around for her to sit in. Barnes' room only had a bed in it and a single bare-looking dresser that was bolted down--most likely so he couldn't just bash a nurse with a piece of furniture and escape. She could picture him doing that. 

"Did you sleep well?" Mary asked. 

Barnes watched her with sharp eyes. "Why are you back here?" was his reply, his voice raspy. 

"Because I said I would be," Mary answered simply. "I'm not a liar, James."

"Mutant," he said, seemingly out of nowhere.

Mary's brow furrowed. "Yes?"

 

"I've killed your kind before," he confessed, jaw set and eyes cold. 

"So have I," Mary shrugged. "We do what we have to."

The admission seemingly wasn't the reaction he was looking for. He huffed out a long breath, looking even more irritated than he had been when she'd walked in. If he really thought  _that_ was going to make her run off with her tail between her legs, he was dead wrong. Mary wasn't afraid of someone with blood on their hands--hell, she'd been raised by people who'd bathed in it. Still, she felt the need to change subject. She had an idea.

"Can I show you?" she proposed. "What I can do, I mean."

" _I don't want you in my head_ ," he seethed, shoulders squared.

Mary was undeterred. "Why don't I let you into mine?"

When he didn't reply, Mary stood up as gracefully as she could (which wasn't that graceful at all) and edged forward to him carefully. He was perched at the end of his bed like he had been yesterday, and the distance between the door and him wasn't that far. Five feet at most. She crossed it in a matter of seconds. He was more intimidating up close--but his eyes truly were beautiful. Blue like the sky--even as they glared holes into her. 

Despite his obvious discomfort, Barnes hadn't moved an inch. So as confident as ever, Mary raised her hands up, palms facing the ceiling. She was standing mere inches away from him and she could feel the heat radiating from his skin. He was like a furnace. Part of her didn't think she would get this far without him lashing out. She supposed in that moment, his curiosity must've outweighed his anger.

"Put your hands in mine," she commanded gently. "I won't hurt you. You can break away at any time, I promise."

This was the real test: seeing if Barnes could trust her long enough to let her touch him. His gaze moved down to her palms, lingering on the right. She had a thick rounded scar in the middle of it, a memento from her turbulent teenage years. She'd learned the hard way that grabbing the end of a gun before someone fired it was quite possibly the stupidest thing a person could do, and had been lucky to escape without permanent nerve damage. It had hurt like a bitch though. 

Cautiously, Barnes lifted both his hands and lowered them so that their palms brushed against each other with the littlest amount of contact possible. The metal plates of his left hand were surprisingly warm, almost like skin. Briefly, she wondered if it had the same capability of sensation as a normal hand, or if it was numb to anything but pressure. 

As slight as the skin contact was, it was still enough for Mary. She could feel his energy roll into her--dark and thick, charged with anger and irritation. Under that was a layer of vengeance, then a sea of black. Guilt, sadness,  _desperation_. She almost bowed under the weight of it all. 

The cord now tying them together went both ways. She fed him memories of people he would recognize: her dancing with Steve at Thor's birthday party and then the subsequent flash of carrying him to his bed after he'd drank  _way_ too much Asgardian mead. Her night in Sam Wilson's living room, curled up on his couch as they drank wine and he groaned about his current girlfriend. She even offered up a few flickers of Natasha's hooded eyes and sly smile. _Let me in, James. Let me help you._

"Enough!"

Barnes' voice cut through the connection. He wrenched away from her violently, his chest heaving. His eyes were panicked, like a deer caught in headlights. Mary took a few slow steps back, giving him the space that he clearly needed. 

"I want you," he paused to swallow, tucking his metal arm close to his chest, "I want you to leave."

So Mary did, but not without promising that she would be back the following day. Hopefully, her risk had paid off and he'd finally let her help him. A shiver ran down her spine as she recalled the waves of negativity emanating from his core, chipping away at his soul and very being. It was only a matter of time before he drowned under it all.

* * *

After her session with Barnes, Mary joined Natasha in the new facility's well-equipped and truly massive gym. They were both sat on a bench, witnessing the great glory that was a shirtless Steve Rogers sparring with an equally shirtless and impressive Thor. The Asgardian giant had somehow managed to lift Steve above his head and was gearing up to throw him across the room like a football.

"Go long!" Mary called out, much to the horror of a flailing Steve.

"I hear you are meeting with the Soldier," Natasha said, drawing her attention away from a now airborne Captain America. Somewhere to their left, the unmistakable sound of a row of stair machines being flattened by Steve's body echoed through-out the gym.

"Fury thinks I can help him undo HYDRA's influence," Mary explained.

"What have you done so far?" Natasha asked, bending forward to rifle through her gym bag. 

"I let him see a couple of my memories." Mary said. "I thought it would help him understand my gift better, lessen the hostility he has towards me using it on him, but I don't know now."

Natasha pulled out a red water bottle and took a short swig. "He let you touch him?" 

"Yeah," Mary sighed. "But it was, like, bare minimum. He looked like he wanted to either punch me or jump out the window."

"If he let you touch him, then a part of him trusts you, whether he knows it or not." Natasha said it like it was obvious, but Mary wasn't so sure.

"Maybe," she said, frowning.

" _Milaya,_ " Natasha crooned in Russian. "If you had met me just after I had left the Red Room and all I had suffered, I would not have let you touch me. Do not sell yourself short. Perhaps you have taken more steps in the right direction than you thought."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maaybeee update 1/2 for today? i'll probably update again cuz i like even numbers
> 
> milaya = sweetie 
> 
> thanks for the kudos and comments, you're all angels! and thanks for reading as well!  
> hope you enjoyed! x


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